


Tahani Learns Something New

by cdybedahl



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 19:44:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12283137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cdybedahl/pseuds/cdybedahl
Summary: Eleanor has one more thing not to do with the hair extensions.





	Tahani Learns Something New

**Author's Note:**

  * For [impertinence](https://archiveofourown.org/users/impertinence/gifts).



> This was written before season two started airing, so there weren't nearly as many places to slot in some Eleanor/Tahani interaction.

“Much as I’m enjoying this,” Tahani said. “Shouldn’t you be working on your case, trying to stay here?”  
She fiddled with the small rubber bands that had come with the hair extensions, and which were now spread over the round table in Eleanor’s living room. It kind of had to be the living room by default, since it was pretty much the only room the small house had.  
“Seriously, how am I going to help them?” Eleanor said. “They are much smarter than me.”  
Her fingers moved through Tahani’s black hair, deftly weaving the blonde extension into it.  
“Now, hair extensions,” she continued, “this is where I shine. You were already at _almost_ maximum hotness, but now you look like a sexy, tan, Rapunzel.”  
Eleanor looked up, briefly closed her eyes and let out a pleased sigh.  
“Ah, the dream,” she said.  
Tahani turned her head and looked at Eleanor.  
“And how, exactly, did you learn how to do this?” she said.  
“When I was fourteen,” Eleanor said, “I had to make myself look older. To get a job. These were the ones I used. They are _real_ cheap.”  
Tahani looked up at Eleanor again, something briefly sad in her expression.  
“You’re going to want to stay away from open flames, altercations at outlet malls,” Eleanor continued, “and rough hair-pulling sex.”  
Tahani gave a brief, dry laugh.  
“Right,” she said. “Avoiding sex. That’s going to be real tough.”  
Eleanor looked at her, momentarily confused.  
“Oh yeah,” she said, getting what was meant. She grimaced.  
“The whole Jianyu thing. Sorry about that.”  
She stroked Tahani’s hair, pretending to check the extension she’d just braided into it.  
“It’s got to be hard, right?” she said. “Getting here and suddenly, like, boom, no sex at all.”  
“No,” Tahani said. “Really not hard at all, actually.”  
She sighed. Eleanor frowned, then sat down.  
“Oh-kay,” she said. “What was that about? Sex life no good before you, you know, died and ended up here?”  
Tahani looked at Eleanor, tilting her head a little.  
“Does it count as bad if you never had one?” she said.  
Eleanor’s frown deepened.  
“What do you mean, never had one?”  
Tahani looked away.  
“I… never had one,” she said.  
Eleanor stared at her for several seconds.  
“Seriously?” she finally said. “You never had sex? At all? With _that_ body, you died a _virgin_?”  
Tahani nodded.  
“It just never happened,” she said. “Never found the right person, I guess.”  
“But!” Eleanor said. “Making out with Ryan Gosling? That didn’t lead to… anything?”  
Tahani shrugged.  
“Mostly did that so I could brag about having done it,” she said. “My friends were quite jealous.”  
Eleanor’s eyebrows rose.  
“Seriously?” she said. “Just to brag about it? That’s something you did?”  
Tahani turned to her and started to say something, but Eleanor interrupted her.  
“Never mind,” she said. “Who else did you make out with?”  
“A few guys,” Tahani said.  
“Names, girlfriend. Names!”  
“Chris Evans. Alexander Skarsgård. All three Hemsworth brothers. David Tennant. A few more?”  
“Wow,” Eleanor said, really drawing the word out. “And none of them tried to get you back to their bedroom?”  
“Oh, they all did,” Tahani said.  
Eleanor stared at her for several seconds more.  
“All right,” she said. “First, again, _wow_. Second, who did you make out with because you _wanted_ them to take you back to their bedroom? Surely there must have been someone?”  
Tahani blushed, then smiled.  
“Angelina said she would’ve tried to seduce me if she hadn’t had Brad and the kids,” she said. “I would have said yes to _her_.”  
“Uh-hu,” Eleanor said. “Anyone else? Someone you wish you’d gotten to make out with?”  
“Well, Scarlett, of course, everyone wants _her_ ,” Tahani said. “I did an awards presentation with Jennifer, and I wouldn’t have said no to her. Or Salma.”  
Eleanor held out her hand.  
“Ok, that’s enough,” she said. “Tahani?”  
Tahani looked at her.  
“Yes?” she said.  
“Girlfriend,” Eleanor said. “You’re gay.”  
Tahani frowned.  
“What? No?” she said. “I can’t be! If I was, women would’ve been flirting with me!”  
“Tahani,” Eleanor said. “Think about it.”  
Tahani thought about it.

The red carpet is long since empty, but there are still hordes of paparazzi and fans on the other side of the velvet ropes. Tahani is standing in full view of them, but still only an occasional flash comes her way, and no fans scream for her to sign autographs. She tries to tell herself that she’s not after fame, that she’s just using the even more famous and even richer than herself to gather money for charity. Tonight’s gala has drawn in a decent amount. Not as much as it would have if her sister was there, nor enough to make her parents proud, but a fair amount. She’ll do better next time.  
She draws a deep breath, closes her eyes for a moment, readying herself to dive back into the crowd inside. Before she’s done, a roar comes from the collected fans and a thousand cameras start flashing like mad. For a moment, Tahani is terrified that her deep breath has made her dress do something it shouldn’t and that she’s just flashed her bosom. But when she looks down, everything is fine.  
“Er, excuse me?” a voice says next to her. “Tahani? Is it OK if I call you Tahani?”  
Tahani turns to look. Kristen Stewart is standing right next to her, in her ripped blue jeans, white top, plaid shirt and sneakers. A bit behind, just out of earshot, is the girl Kristen came to the gala with.  
“Of course!” Tahani says, mouth on autopilot. “As long as I may call you Kristen!”  
“Yeah, sure,” Kristen says. “So, er, how are you doing? Having fun?”  
Tahani smiles as wide as she can and makes a dismissive gesture with her hand.  
“Oh, the hostess never gets to have any fun,” she says. “I’m just glad everything is going so well!”  
“Yeah, I guess,” Kristen says. “You’re, like, here alone, aren’t you? No date or anything?”  
Tahani’s smile falters ever so slightly.  
“No,” she says. “Not tonight. Busy life, you know. No time for flirtations.”  
Kristen smiles at her.  
“You gotta make time to live,” she says. “And if your life is really busy, sometimes you’ve got to be kind of blunt, you know?”  
“Oh, surely,” Tahani says.  
There are loads of cameras taking thousands of pictures of her talking to Kristen Stewart. This is going to be in all the papers tomorrow. Maybe even her parents will see the photos. Maybe they even know who Kristen Stewart is.  
“So, on that note,” Kristen says. “Alicia and I are thinking of going back to our hotel room, and we were wondering if maybe, since your duties as a hostess are kind of winding down and all, you’d like to come with?”  
“Oh no!” Tahani says. “I can’t leave! The gala isn’t over yet!”  
“Come on,” Kristen says, smiling and tossing her hair. “Nobody will notice. Live a little. We promise you’ll have a good time.”  
“No, really, I can’t,” Tahani says. “I’m sorry.”  
“Oh,” Kristen says. “Right. Sorry. Shouldn’t have assumed, and all that. No hard feelings, ok? Have a good night and all that.”  
“Of course!” Tahani says, still smiling. “You have a good night too!”  
Kristen and her girlfriend leaves. As they walk away, they talk animatedly, occasionally throwing glances back at Tahani. A tiny frown tries to form on Tahani’s brow. Did she just miss something? But no! No time for that! Smile wider, be more friendly, make everyone have a good time! She goes inside to make sure everything is fine.

It’s an Oscars afterparty. Tahani has forgotten whose, but whoever it is, they’ve sprung for an open bar. Tahani is taking advantage of it. For once, she’s let herself get drunk. She’s not in a good mood. The movie she had a bit part in had been nominated for Best Cinematography, but lost to some Hollywood monstrosity. Meanwhile, at some other party, her sister is celebrating having won Best Actress _and_ Best Actor.  
She downs her fifth Dry Martini in a single gulp.  
“Another,” she says to the bartender. “No, wait, make that three more.”  
Seconds later, three new glasses appear in front of her.  
“Thank you, dear,” Tahani says.  
Always be polite, even to the staff. Every person is important.  
“Are those all for you or are you expecting company?”  
Someone sits down on the bar stool next to Tahani’s. Someone blonde. Blonde, curvy and wearing a very figure-hugging dress.  
“All for me,” Tahani says. “I’ve heard people talk about drowning their sorrows, and I’m going to try it.”  
The blonde woman laughs.  
“How many have you had so far?” she asks.  
“Five, I think,” Tahani says.  
“So I have some catching up to do,” the blonde says. “Bartender, if you’d be so nice to just put a new drink here when we finish one?”  
The bartender nods. She looks tired.  
“Great,” the blonde says.  
She takes one of Tahani’s martinis and drinks it.  
“Got to catch up,” she says. “My name is Amber, by the way.”  
Tahani squints at her. Oh, right. Amber Heard. Another woman more famous than Tahani.  
“Tahani,” Tahani says.  
“So, Tahani,” Amber says. “Did you also lose this year?”  
Tahani nods. They both drink.  
“Do you know what I find works better for making yourself feel better than getting falling down drunk?” Amber says.  
Tahani shakes her head.  
“Sex,” Amber says. “Wild, unplanned, meaningless sex.”  
“Really,” Tahani says, suddenly uncomfortable.  
“Preferably with someone really hot I’ve never met before,” Amber continues. “Just pick someone up at a bar, go off to my room and spend the night fucking each others’ brains out.”  
“Well!” Tahani says.  
Why is the woman telling her this? Is she bragging that she can pick up anyone she wants? Which she almost certainly can, with her smooth silky skin, long blonde hair and crazy sexy body. Well, whatever her reason, Tahani isn’t having any of it. She stands up.  
“I wish you luck with that,” she says.  
She walks stiffly away.  
“Thanks,” she hears Amber mumble behind her. “I didn’t think I’d need this much of it.”

“Oooooh,” Tahani said, an expression of sudden revelation all over her gorgeous face. “So _that’s_ what they all wanted.”  
“If by ‘that’ you mean get into your panties,” Eleanor said. “Then yes.”  
“So, wait,” Tahani said. “That time after Rihanna and Britney had done that song they did together at one of my parties, and they claimed they both lost the keys to their handcuffs, and they asked me to try to find them in their bra cups, they were actually lying to me?”  
They’d moved the five or so steps to Eleanor’s couch. They were sitting at opposite ends, turned fully to each other.  
“Whoa, back up,” Eleanor said. “Rihanna and Britney, as in Britney Spears and _Rihanna_?”  
Tahani nodded.  
“Doing that song where they dressed up in bondage gear? At your party?”  
Tahani nodded again.  
“And after they did that, they asked, and I mean they actually, literally, _asked_ you, to grope their tits?”  
Tahani shrugged and looked uncomfortable.  
“Well, they didn’t put it like that…”  
“They asked you to slide your hands into their bra cups and spend some considerable time feeling around for keys that weren’t there?” Eleanor said.  
“Well,” Tahani tilted her head a little. “I suppose, yes.”  
Eleanor shook her head.  
“Wow,” she said. “Ok, so you fumbled around in their bras for… what? A minute?”  
“More like five,” Tahani said.  
Eleanor stared at her.  
“Oh-kay,” she said. “You groped their breasts for five minutes. What happened then?”  
Tahani bit her lip.  
“Britney suggested that her key might have ended up in her panties,” she said. “So maybe I should check there.”  
“Dude!” Eleanor said.  
“I offered to call a locksmith,” Tahani said.  
Eleanor stared at her.  
“Seriously?” she said.  
“In retrospect, that may not have been the right thing to say.”  
“Well,” Eleanor said. “After fondling her boobs for a good long while, it was kind of a weird turn.”  
Tahani sighed.  
“I was pretty stupid, wasn’t I?” she said.  
“Eh, I don’t know,” Eleanor said. “We can all be pretty stupid while figuring out what we really want.”  
Tahani looked at her.  
“So what stupid thing did you do?”

Eleanor takes off her headset and drops it on her desk with a sigh of relief. Sure, she doesn’t mind trying to trick old people out of their meagre pensions, but it is hard work and leaves her pretty darn exhausted by the end of the day. Normally, all she wants is to go home, watch TV, drink tequila and masturbate. But not tonight. Tonight she has plans.  
“So I guess we won’t be seeing you tomorrow morning,” the girl in the next cubicle over says. “The only question is, will you be here selling, or at home sleeping?”  
Eleanor hasn’t learned the girl’s name. She doesn’t want to get that familiar with her coworkers.  
“Why wouldn’t I be here?” she says.  
“Because you’re you?” the girl says. “Big meeting, all hands, new boss introducing himself–it’s really not your scene, is it?”  
“Oh, that,” Eleanor says.  
She smiles at the girl.  
“Yes, normally you’d be right,” she continues. “Normally, I’d be at home sleeping off the tequila that got me through the day. But not tomorrow. Oh no, tomorrow I have plans.”  
“Plans that include being here?” the girl says. “What might that be?”  
“Well,” Eleanor says. “Strictly speaking, the plans are for tonight. Tomorrow I’ll be here to reap the rewards.”  
“Really,” the girl says, clearly unimpressed.  
“We all know the new boss is coming in from Seattle, right?” Eleanor says. “Well, this girl has figured out when his plane arrives, and not only which hotel he’s going to stay in tonight but also precisely which room he’ll be in. And I know a guy who works at that hotel, who’ll let me into that room if I just flash him my boobs. So when the new boss gets to his room, I’ll be right there in his bed, _sans_ clothes, ready to give him the kind of welcome that’ll earn me a big, fat raise.”  
The girl looks disgusted.  
“Yeah, that sounds exactly like the Eleanor I’ve come to know,” she says.  
She shakes her head, turns and leaves.

Eight in the morning the following day finds the entire company gathered in the large auditorium normally used to host prosperity gospel recruitment events. The stage is all lit up and ready for the new boss to walk out and address the employees. Eleanor is sitting in a seat at the very back, as far away from other people as it’s possible to get. Her clothes are rumpled and she’s wearing sunglasses. In spite of all that, the girl from the next cubicle over sits down next to her.  
“Oh God, you’re here!” she says. “I was so sure you wouldn’t be!”  
“Well, here I am,” Eleanor says.  
“So how did it go?!” the girl asks. “Your big plan? Did you get into his bed and all that?”  
“Yup,” Eleanor says. “Sure did.”  
“So will you be getting that raise?”  
Music starts to play before Eleanor can respond. The circles of light on the stage moves around, failing to look dramatic. The new boss walk out from the left side of the stage. She’s tall, with long black hair and an impeccable pinstripe pantsuit. She looks to be somewhere in her forties, slender and good-looking. She’s got the smile of a shark about to feed.  
“Good morning,” she says, her voice booming out through the PA system. “Let’s bring some order to this sorry excuse for a company, shall we?”  
The girl from the next cubicle over stares at Eleanor, mouth agape. She points to the stage with a questioning look.  
“Yup,” Eleanor says.  
The girl shakes her head in disbelief.  
“But she’s a woman!” the girl says.  
“Sure is,” Eleanor says.  
“And you _slept_ with her?!”  
“Sure did,” Eleanor says. “Aaaaaaaall night. Lady knows how to use her tongue, I’ll tell you that.”  
“Oh my God,” the girl from the next cubicle over says. “You totally had sex with our new lady boss!”  
“And I have the blackmail pictures to prove it,” Eleanor says. “So unless she wants those all over the company bulletin board, she’ll give me that raise.”  
The girl from the next cubicle over stares at her in shock.

“So did your plan work?” Tahani asked.  
“Not really,” Eleanor said. “She laughed at me when I tried to blackmail her. I posted the pictures, and she had the three most graphic ones blown up to poster size, framed and put on the walls in her bedroom. The woman had _no_ shame.”  
“Oh my,” Tahani said. “And after you did…”  
She stopped talking and frowned.  
“Wait,” she said. “How do you know that she put the pictures on her bedroom walls?”  
“So maybe I didn’t get a raise or a promotion,” Eleanor said. “But for the rest of the time I worked in that place, I got a _lot_ of orgasms. As I said, lady sure knew how to use her tongue. And fingers. And toys. And, on occasion, vegetables.”  
“Oh,” Tahani said.  
She looked away, expression turning sad.  
“I wish I’d had someone to show me that sort of thing,” she said. “Well, maybe not the vegetables.”  
“Hey, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. A good, firm cucumber could surprise you. Also, there’s this thing you can do with a leek that…”  
“Would you teach me?” Tahani interrupted.  
Eleanor blinked.  
“The thing with the leek?” she said. “Sure, I guess. Although to be honest it’s more a novelty thing, and in the long run you’re really better off with a good vibrator. It may run out of batteries, but it doesn’t wilt.”  
Tahani leaned forward a little.  
“No, not that,” she said. “The whole thing. Tongue. Fingers. Toys, maybe?”  
Eleanor sat up straight in the couch.  
“You want me… to have sex with you? To teach you how to have lesbian sex?”  
Tahani did her weird kind of sideways shrug.  
“This is the Good Place, right?” she said. “Shouldn’t I get to have sex that I like? And just a few minutes ago you called me hot. And said I’m gay. I think you’re right, by the way. About the gay.”  
Eleanor held up her hand in a stopping gesture.  
“You should,” she said. “And I did, and you are. Both hot and gay. But…”  
Her voice petered out into silence when Tahani pulled the top of her dress down, letting her gorgeous tan breasts spill out into view. Eleanor stared at them.  
“Holy shirtballs,” she said.  
Tahani looked down at herself.  
“They’re not that bad, are they?” she said. “I mean, the left one is a little bigger than the right one, and they’re not quite symmetrical, and I only wear a B cup, and…”  
“They’re awesome,” Eleanor interrupted. “Seriously. Your tits may be the best tits I have ever seen up close in person.”  
“Would you like to touch them?” Tahani said. “Nobody but me ever has.”  
She frowned.  
“No, wait,” she said. “My good friends Scary and Ginger grabbed one each once, when we were all really drunk. But I still had my bra on, so I’m not sure that counts. It might have gone further, but they started kissing each other and got all distracted.”  
Eleanor looked at Tahani, shook her head, then looked at her again.  
“Wait,” she said. “Ginger and Scary? As in, you nearly had a lesbian threesome with two of the Spice Girls?”  
“Oh no,” Tahani said. “Sporty, Baby and Posh were there too, they were just already occupied with each other.”  
Eleanor closed her eyes and drew a deep breath.  
“OK, let’s try that again,” she said. “You nearly had a _lesbian orgy_ with the _Spice Girls_ , and you still didn’t twig that you might be a smoking hot lesbo?”  
“Nooo,” Tahani said, really drawing the word out. “That wasn’t very bright, was it?”  
“So, OK,” Eleanor said. “Let me see if I got this right. You were seriously hit on by Kristen Stewart, Amber Heard, Angelina Jolie, Rihanna, Britney Spears and all five of the Spice Girls, but turned them all down? And now you want _me_ to fork you?”  
Tahani nodded.  
“If you want,” she added.  
“Fork yes I want,” Eleanor said. “I won’t even insist that you buy me dinner first.”  
Tahani smiled.  
“I could go get you some frozen yoghurt,” she said. “Or arrange a ‘Tahani is finally getting laid’ party.”  
“No to the first,” Eleanor said, “and a _world_ of no to the second.”  
“So what do you want me to do?” Tahani said.  
Eleanor stood up.  
“I want you to stand up so I can rip that dress the rest of the way off you,” she said. “Then I want you to lie down on the bed and spread your legs, so I can get my face between them.”  
“Oh my,” Tahani said.  
She stood and reached behind herself to get at the dress’ zipper.

An hour later found a naked and exhausted Eleanor draped over an equally naked and apparently inexhaustible Tahani. Which was fine. Great, even, since she had taken to eating pussy like a fish to water. Eleanor wasn’t sure which she was more tired from, making Tahani come or coming herself.  
“I am quite cross,” Tahani said.  
Eleanor managed to raise her head a little.  
“Seriously?!” she said. “You came like ten times! What do you expect of me?”  
“Not at you!” Tahani said. “At myself and the whole world that made me _miss_ this for my entire life.”  
She stroked Eleanor’s hair.  
“You were fantastic,” she said. “I hope I didn’t disappoint you too badly.”  
“You didn’t disappoint me at all,” Eleanor said. “You were amazing. This may be the best sex I ever had, alive or dead.”  
“Well,” Tahani said, her hand slowly moving down toward Eleanor’s breast. “I might be able to do better with practice. Lots and lots and lots of practice.”  
A thrill went through Eleanor’s body. She moved her own hand to cup Tahani’s breast.  
“I think we can arrange that,” she said.  
“Also…”  
Tahani’s voice tapered off. When Eleanor looked at her, she was blushing.  
“What?” Eleanor said. “Do you want to do something kinky?”  
“Um,” Tahani said. “Sporty had a kind of plastic penis on a harness around her hips?”  
“Oh, a strap-on,” Eleanor said. “That’s just a basic toy. Do you want to use it or have it used on you? Or both?”  
“Could we get one? And if so, would you use it on me?”  
“Absolutely to the second,” Eleanor said. “For the first, I suppose we ask Janet. Janet!”  
“Hi there!”  
Both of the naked women startled when the friendly assistant was suddenly just _there_ right next to them. She was also, unusually, stark naked. And, the baser part of Eleanor noted, remarkably well-shaped. Although that probably came with being artificial. Or something like that.  
“Janet!” Tahani said. “You’re naked!”  
“Yes, I am!” Janet said. “I try to adapt to circumstances, and the two or you are currently not dressed. I also believe that you have recently engaged in sexual intercourse. Do you wish me to join you?”  
“What? No!” Eleanor said.  
“Well…” Tahani said, at the same time.  
“If you do, we should hurry,” Janet said. “I am to be married in ten minutes, and after that I do not think it would be appropriate for me to have sex with other people than my husband.”  
Eleanor sat up.  
“You what now?” she said.  
“I am marrying Jason,” Janet said. “In ten minutes. Here’s your invitation. Presents are not necessary. I can create anything we want.”  
She held out a piece of thick, fancy paper heavy with decorations to Eleanor. Eleanor took it. As Janet had said, it announced the wedding of Jason Mendoza from Jacksonville, Florida and Janet. In ten minutes. As she read the announcement over and over again, Tahani sat up next to her.  
“Oh my,” Tahani said. “They really are.”  
Eleanor turned to her.  
“Rain check on the toys?” she said.

Some time later Tahani was sitting on a bar stool, leaning against the bar. Eleanor was balancing precariously on her lap. Neither of them exactly minded that she had to hold on to Tahani quite a lot. A few meters away, Jason was mashing a piece of wedding cake around Janet’s mouth. He and Janet both looked happy.  
“This has been a very weird day,” Tahani said. “Just this morning, I thought that man was my soulmate!”  
“At some point, we both did,” Eleanor said. “How messed up is that?”  
Tahani stroked Eleanor’s cheek.  
“Maybe we are soulmates,” she said. “You and I.”  
Eleanor carefully maneuvered herself to where she could give Tahani a kiss without them both falling to the floor.  
“Maybe we are,” she said after the kiss was finished. “You’re certainly the best option I’ve met so far.”  
“Well, the neighborhood isn’t very large,” Tahani said.  
“I didn’t mean just here,” Eleanor said. “You know, for someone as successful as you were, your self-confidence is for shirt.”  
“Janet’s busy,” Tahani said, blatantly changing the subject.  
“So she is,” Eleanor agreed. “She just got married. It’s kind of natural. Possibly the one single natural thing about that marriage.”  
“So she can’t bring us toys,” Tahani said.  
“Oh, right,” Eleanor said.  
She climbed off her… girlfriend? Soulmate? Forkbuddy? She took Tahani’s hands and pulled gently.  
“Come on,” she said. “Let’s dance.”  
Tahani got up. She didn’t say anything, but her attention was clearly focused on Eleanor.  
“And if, when we get tired of dancing, Janet is still busy,” Eleanor said. “I guess we’ll just have to improvise our toys.”  
She put her arms around Tahani and pulled close. Which put her head right between Tahani’s breasts. Which she did not exactly mind.  
“If nothing else,” she said. “There are lots of long, hard candles.”


End file.
